I'd like to ask..?

Am I even special?

They say that God created us all to be unique and special, but it seems that I can't find that thing that makes me special.

I can't really do anything very well, nor do I have any talents to speak of.

I'd love to be able to play sports, like most guys. But I'm pretty awful at them all.

I'd love to be able to draw or paint, but I'm pretty lacking in that department. Sometimes I can draw a killer stick figure though.

I'd love to be able to play music well or sing, but neither of those was a gift given to me. At least, not that I can tell.

Maybe even be smart. And a somewhat decent writer. But I wasn't born with anything special in that department.

For a while I thought making people laugh may be some talent I had, but nearly everyone can do that. Nothing special there.




I just know I'm here for a reason. I have faith in God, and He has a purpose and a plan for me.
So, maybe at some point, I'll find I have some gift. (:

I really should be writing an essay

BUT I THINK I'LL WRITE AN ENTRY INSTEAD !

So, I definitely have a paper to write. Well, in fact..2. But this is much more enticing.
It has been far too long since I've written anything here, and now that I'm freshly back from a 2 mile run in the sprinkling rain, I feel like an Iron Man. (More like a marshmallow man)
Life is fantastic, my dearest blog, and I wake up every day with a smile.
I finally found something spiritually fulfilling, and I feel awake and alive in my faith, which is basically the best feeling in the world.
I've made new friends, some of which I thought would never talk to me..because I'm a total dork.
Classes are great, my girlfriend is amazing, and jfidoapnvuirfnivoijionpv life is good :)
Just thought I'd let you know.
That is all.

Letting Go Is Hard

When you're in a relationship with someone and they mean so much to you, and you mean everything to them, but you realize that you've got a lot of growing up to do and a relationship just isn't right for your life at this point, is it selfish to do what's right for you ? Even if it hurts the other person ?

I wish it didn't hurt this much.

You know..

They always say that everyone has a, say, soulmate here on this planet. That one person that you know everything is right with, it's all perfect, blah blah blah.

That's not how things work.

At least, not how I see them anyways.

I believe we were all put on this planet for a purpose, and whether it be to invent a new type of mayonaisse, or find the cure for cancer. Through fulfilling this purpose, we may meet one person, or several people who we mesh well with. We will never "complete their puzzle" or "make them whole".

Don't take this pessimistically, please. By this I mean to say, that we are all whole people. We aren't "half a soul searching for the other half to make us one complete soul". We all have complete souls, beautiful souls. And while another person may enhance us, bring out the best in us, help us to be better people, they will not complete our souls.

And I must say. There's a person. Who brings out the best in me. There's a connection, a deep connection. We've known each other for a long time (over a decade), but never knew that one "secret" about each other. And now it seems like it's been meant to be all along. I can't believe how crazy awesome it is. You know who you are <3

Jobs, Jogs & Hot Sauce

It'll make sense, I promise.

Student Cooperative Association was the height of my senior year, as far as school goes. Becoming leader of the schools entire Community Service Sector was a huge responsibility, and I was downright proud of myself for living up to it. Slash, not just living up to it, I got awards for it. Yowza !

The people who I met through SCA really influenced how my year went. Without them, I could not have been the leader (technically I was called community service captain) that I became. They are (mostly) amazing people , and I'm super glad that I'm still friends with them. Though we all went our separate ways, it was awesome to reconnect tonight at Buffalo Wild Wings over a giant vat of hot sauce. So yes, for all you spicy food haters out there, hot sauce does have a beneficial effect. Haters gon' hate.

JOBS-- the only word I really don't want to think about this summer. I have put in at countless places, gotten a few calls back (I was hoping Eagle Scout would help, but it really hasn't so far. I know for a fact it will help me later in life though). One place that I'm really hoping will work out is the place where my little sister works (oh boy) called Plato's Closet : a sort of designer consignment shop. If it's in God's plan for me to work here, then it'll happen. If it's not, then I suppose I'll have to look elsewhere.

And the last topic (yes, I realize I went out of order from the title, I blame my ADHD (which I probably don't even really have, I'm just a spaz)), jogs. Ever since I was little, I was overweight. I struggled with my weight for years, and still do occasionally. I lost a good amount of weight my senior year, and it made me look a lot better physically, as well as helped me feel a little better about myself. However, I'm still nowhere near comfortable with my body, and although my friends tell me I have nothing to be embarrassed about, I'm still utterly ashamed of myself every time I remove my shirt in front of others.

So, what do I do about it? I'm starting the SUMMER OF SEXY. I'm so gonna do this.

I'm jogging at least two miles every day, and doing ab and push up exercises, in order so that next school year, I'll have something under my clothes (don't you dare even go there..) to be kinda proud of. I can do this, I know I can.

Team Rocket, BLAST OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT.

Home Feels Different

Yeah, what the title said .

I went on vacation this weekend, and despite a few twists here and there, including the overuse of alcohol by some of my relatives (my family hardly drank at all in the past, but things have changed) it makes me realize just how much things HAVE changed since I left for college. People grow up. And some never do.

Though, I must say. Saltwater has amazing effects on the brain. I haven't been able to think this clearly since I went on vacation last year. Escaping is a wonderful thing.

Being away from home reminded me of college, and then made me realize just how much I miss everyone. There is a fellow blogger I miss the heck out of, as well as a beautiful circle of friends. I can't help but to wish that they are having as amazing of a summer as I am, because they all deserve it.

It's weird though, I was having a conversation with my bloggerbuddy the other day, discussing how home feels different. And it really does. Not in a bad way though. It's almost as if expectations of us have changed, and it's a different way of life to live up to them. Though we haven't changed as people, our roles in the household have changed. I feel now more like a tenant than I ever have. And though I'm sure everyone has done their best to make it feel like the home it was, it doesn't. And it never will again.

However, this just means that I'm moving on to a different part of my life. I'm growing up, and whether I like it or not, it's happening. So, instead of resisting the inevitable, I'll embrace it. It's part of life. =)

Hair=Leaves

If you're wondering about the odd title, I can understand why. It doesn't make much sense. But it will.

As some of you know, I have kept my hair long nearly my entire life. Whether this was just because I liked it that way, or for some deeper psychological reason is beyond me. But for the sake of some unknown force, today, I cut it nearly all off. I don't have my wings anymore, and the back is super short. This scared me at first, because last time I cut my hair short like this, it looked awful. But I felt this odd force tugging at me, saying that I need to cut my hair, that it was time for a change.

This is where the leaves come in.

Regarding my last post, that was written during a major period of low. Man, that was bad.
So, maybe this force was telling me I needed to change something. To shed the leaves that were haunting me, and to grow new ones. So, I shed my hair, symbolically shedding the leaves of the demons of the past.


Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. My conclusion: I was reaching insanity.


Though the hair might not be a huge thing, it could have just been the small domino that needed to fall to send the walls of my problems crashing down. One small pebble can cause a rockslide, but this isn't the negative rockslide. This is the rockslide that brings down the walls of my demons. I can do this <3

Thank you , God , for getting me through everything.

I would be nothing without my friends either, so thank you all. I love you.

Hypothetically..

So there's this guy. And he tends to be pretty popular wherever he goes. He has a somewhat large, but close group of friends.  Just about all of those friends know that one thing about him; that thing that sets him apart from most "typical" guys (readers, you probably know what this is). He gets told that anyone who dates him, or who has him would be really lucky, and that he would be a really good boyfriend to whoever dated him. He doesn't always believe these things about himself, and frequently doesn't even think he's worth anyone's time.

Consequently, despite all his amazing friends, he feels lonely and worthless most of the time. He really wonders why anyone would ever want to pursue him, or what anyone could ever see in him. And though puts on a happy face, on the inside he's quite the opposite. His confidence levels are down the drain, and he doesn't know how to stand up for himself and be the confident guy he's supposed to be.

He's lost in this labyrinth, the same one that he's been lost in from all of the physical and emotional abuse from family and school since he was young. It's like the worthless feelings have been drilled into his head, and he doesn't know how to get them out. All he knows how to do is to take life one step at a time, and to hold back the tears.

I apologize for the lack of positivity in this story. But this guy wanted to have his feelings written down somewhere.  Usually my posts are happy, but today led me to this one.

Overcoming my Fears

Sorry it's been so long since my last post -______- I've had a lot going on lately. Coming home from school, unpacking, applying for jobs, and the like. Hopefully I will find a source of income prontissimo, because gas prices are out the yin yang this summer.

However, my true reason for this entry is to talk about overcoming our fears. To start this off, I went to Busch Gardens today with an amazing friend of mine; she and I had an absolute BLAST. Thank the Lord for Fun passes, because I'd be broke due to a Busch Gardens addiction. Growing up, I had an extreme fear of heights, and refused to ride anything that went higher than the roof of my house. This resulted in many boring rides on the Scooby Doo Ghoster Coaster while the rest of my family and friends went on REAL rides.

Well, today, I, Zachary Paul  Dickerson, went on EVERY single rollercoaster the park had to offer. Scared pantsless, I even rode front row. I've learned that sometimes the best way to overcome one's fears is to deal with them face to face; in other words, to just experience them in the worst way possible. In this sense, we can see them as nothing bad, but rather challenges that life has set out for us to conquer.

Which brings me to my final thought: the fear of the unknown. Sometimes you have to take the plunge. You never know what might happen. You can scream, you can cry, you can laugh, you might die (slash just kidding, I needed a rhyme). But when something feels "right" just go with it, no matter what. If you want it, you got it. <3

Death Comes Swiftly in the Form of Exams

Yeah, what the title said. It is well known that final exams are the worst time of any given school year, and yet, I still seem to disregard them until they're here. Studying for them is not just a task, it's a state of mind. I've chosen to incorporate the words of Nicki Minaj, "And yes I killa kill 'em, I guess I am the villain, I park on the curb, I'm the ownah of the buildin', the buildin'" ..by this, I lead myself to know that I can kill these exams; I WILL OWN THEM. RAAAAH >:D

Though this hasn't been the best week of my life, it has not been without its good parts. I'm gonna pull a Buddha and say, what is happiness without the smallest dose of sadness? We can't know an amazing day if we haven't known a terrible one. So what do we do when we get knocked down by a bad day? We pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off, and begin anew with a smile.

It's amazing how much difference one smile can make. <3

Sometimes your best just isn't good enough

Oh, how true this statement is. Usually, I manage to get through things and get at least a part of the result I desired. But other times, it seems that no matter how much I put into something, I fall far short of what I hoped. I know on the inside that if returns on work were effort based, I would have gotten what I hoped for. They say that you should always shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. This time, I missed the moon, and missed the stars as well. I landed on the ground, and it feels like rock bottom.

Back in my room, crying, I laid on my bed and breathed deeply, trying to calm down. I turned on the radio. I don't even know what station it was. But of all songs, "Get Up" by Superchick (a band I haven't listened to since I was about ten) came on. The lyrics are as follows:

I'm not afraid to fall
It means I climbed up high
To fall is not to fail
You fail when you don't try
I'm not afraid to fall
I might just learn to fly and
I will spread these wings of mine

Chorus:
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
We get up anyway
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
And I might fall back down again
We'll just jump and see, even if it's the 20th time
we'll just jump and see if we can fly

I'm not afraid to fall
I've fallen many times
They laughed when I fell down
But I have dared to climb
I'm not afraid to fall
I know I'll fall again
But I will win this in the end



This is the moment when I realized that God really does have me in His hands. Always.

It's Almost Finished

Holy goat nipples batman,

My first year of college is almost done. I'll say it again. Holy. Goat. Nipples. I feel like it was two days ago that I moved in, and cried for the next week. Now I feel so changed; I've learned things about myself that a year ago, I would have never admitted to myself. I've made friends that I will cherish for the rest of my life, and I've creeped like I've never crept before. Thanks Hannah Dove, for helping me realize this potential, I'm really glad I met you =] This year has put me through more than I could have ever imagined, but I don't regret a single thing. Laughing, crying, falling, and smiling. Thoughts of love, and love taken away. Betrayal, and gained trust. It's all a part of life. And we take it day by day. Sometimes it's like we take one step forward, only to take two steps backward. However, we can't let that stop us. Keep pressing onwards. In the words of Katy Perry (even though I really can't stand her) "After the hurricane comes the rainbow" Life is a beautiful thing. I've learned to treasure what I have, and to love until I can't love anymore. As a closing to this first post, I know that it wasn't perfect. And it never will be. But I'll keep swingin' that bat as long as the curveballs keep comin'