Hair=Leaves

If you're wondering about the odd title, I can understand why. It doesn't make much sense. But it will.

As some of you know, I have kept my hair long nearly my entire life. Whether this was just because I liked it that way, or for some deeper psychological reason is beyond me. But for the sake of some unknown force, today, I cut it nearly all off. I don't have my wings anymore, and the back is super short. This scared me at first, because last time I cut my hair short like this, it looked awful. But I felt this odd force tugging at me, saying that I need to cut my hair, that it was time for a change.

This is where the leaves come in.

Regarding my last post, that was written during a major period of low. Man, that was bad.
So, maybe this force was telling me I needed to change something. To shed the leaves that were haunting me, and to grow new ones. So, I shed my hair, symbolically shedding the leaves of the demons of the past.


Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. My conclusion: I was reaching insanity.


Though the hair might not be a huge thing, it could have just been the small domino that needed to fall to send the walls of my problems crashing down. One small pebble can cause a rockslide, but this isn't the negative rockslide. This is the rockslide that brings down the walls of my demons. I can do this <3

Thank you , God , for getting me through everything.

I would be nothing without my friends either, so thank you all. I love you.

Hypothetically..

So there's this guy. And he tends to be pretty popular wherever he goes. He has a somewhat large, but close group of friends.  Just about all of those friends know that one thing about him; that thing that sets him apart from most "typical" guys (readers, you probably know what this is). He gets told that anyone who dates him, or who has him would be really lucky, and that he would be a really good boyfriend to whoever dated him. He doesn't always believe these things about himself, and frequently doesn't even think he's worth anyone's time.

Consequently, despite all his amazing friends, he feels lonely and worthless most of the time. He really wonders why anyone would ever want to pursue him, or what anyone could ever see in him. And though puts on a happy face, on the inside he's quite the opposite. His confidence levels are down the drain, and he doesn't know how to stand up for himself and be the confident guy he's supposed to be.

He's lost in this labyrinth, the same one that he's been lost in from all of the physical and emotional abuse from family and school since he was young. It's like the worthless feelings have been drilled into his head, and he doesn't know how to get them out. All he knows how to do is to take life one step at a time, and to hold back the tears.

I apologize for the lack of positivity in this story. But this guy wanted to have his feelings written down somewhere.  Usually my posts are happy, but today led me to this one.

Overcoming my Fears

Sorry it's been so long since my last post -______- I've had a lot going on lately. Coming home from school, unpacking, applying for jobs, and the like. Hopefully I will find a source of income prontissimo, because gas prices are out the yin yang this summer.

However, my true reason for this entry is to talk about overcoming our fears. To start this off, I went to Busch Gardens today with an amazing friend of mine; she and I had an absolute BLAST. Thank the Lord for Fun passes, because I'd be broke due to a Busch Gardens addiction. Growing up, I had an extreme fear of heights, and refused to ride anything that went higher than the roof of my house. This resulted in many boring rides on the Scooby Doo Ghoster Coaster while the rest of my family and friends went on REAL rides.

Well, today, I, Zachary Paul  Dickerson, went on EVERY single rollercoaster the park had to offer. Scared pantsless, I even rode front row. I've learned that sometimes the best way to overcome one's fears is to deal with them face to face; in other words, to just experience them in the worst way possible. In this sense, we can see them as nothing bad, but rather challenges that life has set out for us to conquer.

Which brings me to my final thought: the fear of the unknown. Sometimes you have to take the plunge. You never know what might happen. You can scream, you can cry, you can laugh, you might die (slash just kidding, I needed a rhyme). But when something feels "right" just go with it, no matter what. If you want it, you got it. <3

Death Comes Swiftly in the Form of Exams

Yeah, what the title said. It is well known that final exams are the worst time of any given school year, and yet, I still seem to disregard them until they're here. Studying for them is not just a task, it's a state of mind. I've chosen to incorporate the words of Nicki Minaj, "And yes I killa kill 'em, I guess I am the villain, I park on the curb, I'm the ownah of the buildin', the buildin'" ..by this, I lead myself to know that I can kill these exams; I WILL OWN THEM. RAAAAH >:D

Though this hasn't been the best week of my life, it has not been without its good parts. I'm gonna pull a Buddha and say, what is happiness without the smallest dose of sadness? We can't know an amazing day if we haven't known a terrible one. So what do we do when we get knocked down by a bad day? We pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off, and begin anew with a smile.

It's amazing how much difference one smile can make. <3

Sometimes your best just isn't good enough

Oh, how true this statement is. Usually, I manage to get through things and get at least a part of the result I desired. But other times, it seems that no matter how much I put into something, I fall far short of what I hoped. I know on the inside that if returns on work were effort based, I would have gotten what I hoped for. They say that you should always shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. This time, I missed the moon, and missed the stars as well. I landed on the ground, and it feels like rock bottom.

Back in my room, crying, I laid on my bed and breathed deeply, trying to calm down. I turned on the radio. I don't even know what station it was. But of all songs, "Get Up" by Superchick (a band I haven't listened to since I was about ten) came on. The lyrics are as follows:

I'm not afraid to fall
It means I climbed up high
To fall is not to fail
You fail when you don't try
I'm not afraid to fall
I might just learn to fly and
I will spread these wings of mine

Chorus:
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
We get up anyway
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
And I might fall back down again
We'll just jump and see, even if it's the 20th time
we'll just jump and see if we can fly

I'm not afraid to fall
I've fallen many times
They laughed when I fell down
But I have dared to climb
I'm not afraid to fall
I know I'll fall again
But I will win this in the end



This is the moment when I realized that God really does have me in His hands. Always.

It's Almost Finished

Holy goat nipples batman,

My first year of college is almost done. I'll say it again. Holy. Goat. Nipples. I feel like it was two days ago that I moved in, and cried for the next week. Now I feel so changed; I've learned things about myself that a year ago, I would have never admitted to myself. I've made friends that I will cherish for the rest of my life, and I've creeped like I've never crept before. Thanks Hannah Dove, for helping me realize this potential, I'm really glad I met you =] This year has put me through more than I could have ever imagined, but I don't regret a single thing. Laughing, crying, falling, and smiling. Thoughts of love, and love taken away. Betrayal, and gained trust. It's all a part of life. And we take it day by day. Sometimes it's like we take one step forward, only to take two steps backward. However, we can't let that stop us. Keep pressing onwards. In the words of Katy Perry (even though I really can't stand her) "After the hurricane comes the rainbow" Life is a beautiful thing. I've learned to treasure what I have, and to love until I can't love anymore. As a closing to this first post, I know that it wasn't perfect. And it never will be. But I'll keep swingin' that bat as long as the curveballs keep comin'