Plummeting

I feel like I'm just on this slippery slope down. To where? I don't know. It's like I can't bring a positive thought about anything, my mind cannot seem to focus on anything but the negative. Why can't I stop this? Even my close friends just seem to have given up..they just tell me I'm being negative and end the conversation..they just tell me to stop.

But if you saw my arms you'd know that I don't know how to. Good thing it's winter, it means long sleeves won't be that uncomfortable.

And I'm pretty sure I made things awkward..slash ruined them between me and one of my new closest friends. He'll probably never read this..and that's probably for the best. I have a major man crush on him, because he is everything I want to be, but never will be. He's confident, super talented (athletically, musically and academically, all three of which I have none of) and not to mention really good looking too. I look up to him a lot, even though he's two years younger than me. I'm lucky he came along when he did, because he's the only person who knows about what I cannot stop doing. To myself.

I'm just searching for a way out. But I really don't know how. I wish this wasn't so depressing..but it is. Outside I can only put on a smile for so long because one day I'll break completely. Maybe that's what needs to happen.

Sinking Again

Why can't I fix it?
Fix what?
Me

I'm sinking back into the circle of depression and self-harm that nobody knows about.

How can I have this dual person living, one side is happy, tries to make people laugh (sometimes fails) and be a little bit brighter to someone else's day. The other side feels like it nothing; sad, deserving of nothing but punishment and tears.
With these two, I feel fake. I feel worthless. I shoot for things and miss on a daily basis, and I can't even fix myself. I don't even know what's wrong with me.

What happened to the confidence that's supposed to be there?
What happened to "you're smart Zach!" -- it's not true.
Why can't I seem to have what others do?
true smiles
talent
worth
I'm not much of anything-I don't know what I have to offer the world.
Why would I even think for a second that I'm special- because I'm lame- and a loser.
I deserve to be torn to shreds..I'm worth nothing to this world.
They say that God doesn't make mistakes but sometimes
I think I fell through the cracks.

Figuring it Out..or a lack thereof

I don't want to be bitter, but sometimes I just don't know. I wish I truly fit in. I feel like a floater, that entertains and tries to make people laugh and smile..but finds it hard to attack the darkness that is within. There is a part of me that won't stop telling me I'm an awful person; that everyone just pretends to like me, that people just tell me lies to make me feel better..and in actuality I'm just crap.

I don't know why I get like this. I wish I didn't. But it's eating away at me, I can't stray away from the self-destructive thoughts.

Why am I so two-faced? How can I smile when inside all I do is tear myself apart..I pray for something to change but nothing has..I just keep losing more and more hope that one day I'll truly fit in and not hate myself anymore.

Seriously though..why do people even want to be friends with me. I'm not even worth it.
Worthless.

God, please help.

Is it always gonna feel like this?

I hide it, but it's still there.

The feelings that tell me I'm never going to win.

That I'll always be a loser.

Others are so talented and gifted and have so much to offer the world.

I don't.

I hope and pray that it'll happen to me one day.

Doubt shrouds all. More like knowledge.

What can I do?

Nothing.

I'm useless.

Why does anyone even like me?

Worthless.

Learning to Accept

That maybe I'm not good at anything.

I try. Time and time again.

And fail. Time and time again.

Maybe it'll work out.

Maybe God blessed me with..something.

But I don't think so.

Yowza. It's been a long time.

Too long, if you ask me. For realz.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to just start writing my thoughts down here, and just seeing where it goes. So, here goes.

For a while I've been trying to figure out why I'm here on this planet. It's interesting to see those around me who seem to have discovered a talent in their life, something to work towards, something that God gave them that they can associate with and develop. Truth is, I have no idea what I'm good at. I'm searching for something that I can work on and get better at, something that I can use to fellowship with others and better myself through. Some have sports, some have music, some have art, others are natural born leaders, writers, speakers. I have..I am..

Honestly speaking I have no clue.  I've been praying that God would take me and use me just as I am and use my gift(s) for the glory of His Kingdom. My fear is that He is not going to find much to work with. It is said that He works through our gifts because it was He who gave them to us. Like I said before, he works through some with their gift of music or art, leading, speaking, writing, and even sports. However, I'm afraid that I'm not particularly "good" at any of these, and my prayer is that God will still find a way to use me. It's something that I'm going to keep praying about. God has a bigger plan for my life, and I know that I'm where I am right now for a very specific reason.

Sorry that was kinda depressing. On the brighter side, my runs are getting longer, and I'm feeling more physically fit than I ever have in my life! It puts a smile on my face to look in the mirror sometimes now rather than the disgusting cringe I have been used to all my life. My friends are strong, I'm SO blessed by those around me. They know who they are, and they will never know how much I love them.

I'll end with a :), because I want to. Things are looking up. :)

Mas Veggies Por Favor

Taking a college wellness over interterm has really taught me a lot so far. One of our first assignments was to make a behavior change plan. It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to change most, but it came down to making the transition from vegetarian to vegan. I've been a vegetarian for more than two years now, and let me tell you, it's been quite the journey. I've learned a lot about choosing more healthy options, and putting my health first. Considering my heart is messed up as it is, I need to do everything I can to keep it healthy. If I start cutting out all the cheese that I eat (believe me, I can put down some cheese), I can keep my heart in even better health. Hopefully, this will help me in my quest for a better me.

Part of this quest has involved a lot of spiritual growth. I've never felt more close in my relationship to God than I have this year, and that is the most amazing thing ever. Though none of y'all will probably ever read this, I'd like to stop and say thanks to Jennifer, the Zachs, Jon, Beau, Abe, and so many more. You know who you are, but you'll never know how much I appreciate and love you all.

Hopefully, through this journey, I'll be obtaining a better body. When I can get to the point when I can look in the mirror and not cringe, that's success. We can't choose the bodies we are born with, but sure can choose what to do with them. I think the overall theme here is that our bodies are God's temple, and my goal is to make His temple stronger and filled with more of Him.